


The Past (Where My Heart Doesn't Belong)

by Chechilia



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Christmas, Established Relationship, Fluff, Happy Ending, Kid Mordred, Light Angst, M/M, Married Couple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-02-23 07:53:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13185660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chechilia/pseuds/Chechilia
Summary: While doing some Christmas shopping, Arthur stumbles upon Guinevere Smith, the childhood sweetheart that he hasn't seen in twelve years. As they remember their past relationship, some truths are finally spoken, and Gwen offers to try again.Except, a lot can happen in twelve years - and Arthur isn't the same man as he used to be.





	The Past (Where My Heart Doesn't Belong)

**Author's Note:**

> A little something I wrote because it was Christmas and I wanted something warm and fluffy and nice. Hope you'll enjoy it. Tell me what you think !

The mall was filled with people at that time of the year, families rushing to do their last minute Christmas shopping, couples out on a supposedly romantic date, and the occasional Very Busy Businessman desperately trying to remember if their partner would rather receive as a gift a diamond necklace or a pair of bright emerald earrings.

The latter were, for Arthur, the most entertaining to watch. Not because he found other people boring, nor because he liked to goad at the businessmen's predicament, but because there had been a time he would have spent hours looking for the right present he would never find, to give it to a girlfriend he didn't really love - because he was dating her to please his father - and who would despise the present - because stones, if bought without feelings, were nothing but cold.

It had taken Arthur long years to change that part of him - to let himself love outside of his father's boundaries - but he had done it, eventually.

However, that didn't mean he wasn't still looking for the perfect present. Not for a partner, this time, but for his own sister, Morgana, who was the hardest person on Earth to please. Except for Merlin, but Merlin had always been a special case. Arthur wasn't, so he was reduced to roam jewelry shops and ancient libraries in the hope that something would catch his eyes, something his sister would think upon seeing : Yes, this, this is perfect.

Lost in the thought, he didn't see the woman walking toward him early enough to avoid bumping into her. Acting on autopilot - he did that a lot, especially while walking with Merlin - he caught the stumbling woman with a hand on her shoulder, an apology ready to spill from his lips when she looked up and his heart froze in his chest.

Big brown eyes were staring at him in shock, full lips parted on a half-pronounced sorry, skin like a wooden sculpture warmly reflecting the coldness of the nearby neons. Removing his hand as if burned, Arthur took a quick step back, a lump in his throat making it hard to breathe.

Gwen was a beautiful woman, always had been. Her hair was cut shorter than Arthur remembered, the bouncy curls caressing her shoulders as she straightened, but it suited her - making her look older somehow. Less the childhood sweetheart, and more the woman she had always promised to become : radiating strength and kindness like a five point three foot tall sun, her smile bright, her features soft.

But maybe, Arthur thought, maybe it was only fair. A lot of things could change in the span of twelve years.

" Arthur ! " Gwen exclaimed, half-surprised and half-delighted.

She moved to hug him, her purple dress swirling around her boot-clad legs, but seemed to remember herself at the last second. Arthur embraced her nonetheless, smiling softly, her perfume familiar in his nostrils even after all these years.

" Gwen " he sighed. " It's been too long. "

She looked surprised by his display of affection - he had always been the private type, or emotionally stunted, his sister would have said - and her eyebrow raised the littlest bit, but she wisely chose not to comment :

" I didn't think I would ever see you again " she confessed, an excited lilt in her voice. " Not here, not like this, and certainly not after all this time. "

Arthur staggered under the sudden blow of memories, the remembrance all but kind. His smile turned tight, a bit strained around the edges :

" I never expected to " he replied, not unkindly. " I moved away after the last time we've seen each other. It's been a while since I've seen the others, too. "

He scrutinized her for a second, pondering his next words, but the hurt that had plagued his heart for months prompted him to ask :

" How is Lance, by the way ? "

Gwen's bright smile faltered at the question, a barely hidden wince reshaping her features :

" I...don't know, really " she admitted, biting her lip in the same way she used to when she was embarrassed. " Lance and I aren't together anymore. After all that happened, well...we tried. But it didn't work out. "

She looked regretful and her eyes were sad, but she didn't let the feeling overwhelm her, preferring to let a small smile grace her lips :

" I know he is alright though. Became the teacher he always wanted to be. "

Conscious of her wish to lighten the weight of the past, Arthur raised an eyebrow in question, a half-smirk twitching at the corner of his mouth. The unspoken words were enough for Gwen, whose eyes twinkled with amusement :

" History " she precised. " He fell in love with the Revolution. "

Arthur chuckled, shoulders relaxing :

" If had had known " he mused, " that our kind-hearted Lance had some rebellion hidden under the layers of chivalry..."

Gwen laughed heartily, her brown curls tickling the curve of her neck :

" He was a bit of a knight in shining armor, wasn't he ? " she said, a little wistfully.

She looked away for a second, an odd expression on her features, but shrugged off the feeling like an ill-fitting coat. A renewed smile bloomed on her lips, warm and kind like a summer day :

" What about you ? " she asked, genuinely interested. " Still working for your father ? "

Arthur muffled an involuntary snort behind the palm of his hand :

" He would have loved it " he answered honestly, " but hell no. It was horrid. "

He shook his head vehemently, to amuse Gwen as well as to highlight the decidedly less than kind thoughts he had in mind concerning his father. Gwen's eyes widened at his comment, and Arthur knew she hadn't expected him to decline the seat his father had reserved for him at the board of Camelot Enterprise. The firm, a renown publishing company that had harbored over the years more than three world-class authors - whose success was mainly due to the work of the publishers, including Arthur - handsomely paid its employees, and offered the comfort of a steady job. It would have been logical for Arthur to work for his father - and he would have, of course he would have, if not for one of the writers he had met there.

" I still work as a publisher though " he precised when the stunned silence became a little awkward. " But I created my own firm. Work environment's a lot better. "

That at least got a snort out of Gwen, ordinarily so composed. She seemed to search her words, a light frown pulling at her brow.

" Well, I'm glad " she finally settled for. " It's true that your father always has been...peculiar. I'd feared you would follow in his footsteps. "

Arthur refrained from rolling his eyes at the comment, until it hit him that anyone who had known him twelve years prior would be stunned to see what his life had become. So much had changed. So much of the old him was gone, never to return.

Arthur let a smile play on his lips at the realization : he was so much happier.

" How is Morgana, by the way ? " Gwen asked, pulling Arthur away from his thoughts with a kind hand, genuine curiosity bubbling in her voice.

Arthur belatedly remembered that Gwen and Morgana had been friends once, years before him and Gwen even thought about dating. He scrunched up his nose :

" Peachy " he replied with a too wide smile. " Still drinking Percival under the table whenever they meet. Happily single, turning into a cat owning harpy, and still the most annoying human being known to man. "

A startled laugh stumbled from Gwen's lips :

" And there's still no lost love between you two, apparently " she giggled.

Arthur smiled indulgently : while it was true that there had been a time him and his sister hated each other's guts, things were a lot better since Morgana had been one of the rare people standing by him at a rough time of his life. And wasn't that an amusing thought, since the person that had spurred on part of those rough times was standing right in front of him.

" Not really " he answered with a slight shake of the head. " We do tolerate each other better now. "

He raked a hand through his blond hair and shrugged, a bit sheepishly :

" I'm currently trying to find her a Christmas present, actually " he added, " but she's always been kind of difficult to please. "

" Oh " Gwen replied, surprise and awkwardness making her bite her lip again. " Well, I seem to remember that she liked spiders ? If you can find her some earrings, or I don't know, a necklace, perhaps..."

She trailed off, a bit unsure, and Arthur was quick to reply :

" Thank you " he said, softening his voice. " I'll keep that in mind. "

The conversation went stilted for a second, none of them quite knowing what to say. Too much time had passed, and to see each other again, after so long, in the middle of a mall while doing Christmas shopping...Even the singing elves and colorful decorations looked out of place.

Arthur was about to bid his goodbyes when Gwen took a deep breath, smile morphing into a more serious expression :

" I feel like I should apologize " she said softly, " for what I've done to you. It was my decision at the time and I don't regret it, but I want you to know that I never intended to hurt you. "

Her voice was firm and her eyes earnest, words ringing true and honest to Arthur's ears. The blond stilled, fighting the clench of his jaw and the insulting words threatening to spill out :

" You left me, Gwen " he replied cautiously. " For one of my best friends. You accused me of disregard and left me without even letting me explain myself. Of course it hurt. "

Gwen winced at his answer, frowning to hide her flinch at the steely tone of his voice, and her own wobbled as she answered :

" I know. Arthur, I know. Please believe that I am sorry. "

Arthur carefully schooled his features in a blank mask and nodded :

" I do believe you " he promised.

And it was true - he did believe her. Gwen had always hated hurting people, and used to be fiercely protective of every single one of her friends. It wasn't like her to purposefully hurt him. It had taken Arthur some time to see past the anger and bitterness he'd felt, to reflect on their relationship with an open mind and realize that her words might have been harsh, yet not unfounded.

But he had made his peace with it.

" Thank you for telling me this " he said honestly. " Even if it comes twelve years after. "

Gwen let a weak smile stretch her lips :

" Twelve years " she sighed. " It's been that long. "

She closed her eyes for a second, and when she reopened them, it was with a newfound determination :

" I was wondering " she started, a little too bluntly for her to be comfortable with her words. " There is so much I want to talk to you about. Do you think we could go, grab a drink, catch up a bit ? "

She worried her lower lip, uncertainty acute on her features, before everything in her seemed to deflate and collapse - like the heart of a dying star.

" I thought...it's been so long but...I've been thinking about you. It's been twelve years, yet...I wonder...Could we...could we try again ? "

Arthur could see, reflected in her eyes and in the way she spoke, that her past mistakes were a constant ache in her heart. She didn't turn pleading though, not even when Arthur flinched at her words. Her hand shot up to grasp his arm, touch firm yet gentle :

" Arthur " she said, slightly breathless, a hint of regret seeping in her tone. " Please listen to me. I know I hurt you. I know, and I am sorry. But Lance and I...There's a reason it didn't last. We were good together, and he was nice, noble and kind but...almost too nice, you know ? We didn't have that spark. It didn't...It didn't click like it did with you, you know ? "

Time froze. Arthur sighed, a pained look on his features. There was a time he would have been savagely happy at her words, but now he only felt sadness. He knew what she was asking : he'd spent weeks - months even - thinking, hoping, wishing for that particular scenario where she would come back to him, radiant still and his, but that time was so far away. He'd moved on, built another life, and her place in it wasn't the same as it was - if she had any. 

" I'm sorry it didn't work out between the both of you " Arthur replied then, truthfully. " I wish it would have. "

Gwen nodded, accepting - believing - his words, and he added :

" But I can't return your affections. It's been too long, Gwen. I would love to catch up, I would. But as friends and nothing else. "

He didn't have time to further his explanation when a pearly voice called out to him :

" Papa ! Papa ! "

Arthur barely had time to open his arms before a ball of energy, messy curls and big blue eyes barreled into him, swinging arms and legs around his torso. Arthur smiled at the boy hugging him, ruffling his hair :

" Hello champ " he exclaimed, a wide grin spreading on his lips.

" Papa, papa, I saw a reindeer ! " the boy said excitedly, hanging on tighter as Arthur tried to put him back on his feet. " It was warm and fuzzy and had a red noise and..."

" Mordred ! " another voice called, deeper than the first - an adult rather than a child. " I told you not to...oh, hello. "

Arthur raised his chin, catching Gwen's stunned look as she replied a weak greeting before meeting Merlin's blue eyes above her head - a sight that never ceased to make his heart beat faster. 

Gwen's mouth was opening and closing without producing any sound, and her eyes were travelling between Mordred and Arthur, unable to comprehend what she was seeing. Arthur couldn't help but feel some kind of vicious contentment at her obvious dismay, but he wasn't willing to hurt her - not after what she had offered.

" Hey, Mordred " he called, placing a gentle yet firm hand on his shoulder as the boy finally agreed to stand on his own. " Why don't you say hello to the lady ? "

Mordred turned to Gwen, huge blue eyes staring at her with unabashed curiosity, and he started swinging on the soles of his feet as he extended a hand :

" Hello lady " he repeated dutifully. " I am Mordred Emrys-Pendragon. It's a pleasure to meet you. "

His voice had the lilt of a sentence learnt by heart, politeness ingrained in him since his youngest years, but he was smiling, uncovering little white teeth - barely crooked, just like Arthur's - totally unashamed.

Gwen stood unmoving for a second before shrugging off her surprise in order to offer Mordred an equally warm smile, shaking the proffered hand with reverent care :

" Hello, Mordred Emrys-Pendragon " she said kindly. " My name is Guinevere Smith, but please, do call me Gwen. I am a friend of your father. "

Over her head, Arthur watched closely as the light in Merlin's eyes turned guarded, and his lips pressed in a thin line when he realized that Merlin knew very well who Guinevere Smith was - Arthur had told him about her once. Merlin tilted his head, silently asking Arthur if he should introduce himself, but before any of them could utter a word, Mordred's voice piped up, innocent in the way only a child could be :

" Are you friend of Daddy " he asked, frowning his little eyebrows, " or a friend of Papa ? "

Gwen's eyes widened further, if that was even possible, and her head whipped around so she could meet Merlin's gaze, brown clashing against blue, shock melding with cautiousness.

" Hey " Merlin said, lips stretching in a careful smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

As Gwen seemed at a loss for words, Arthur took a step forward, gently squeezing Mordred's shoulder :

" Merlin " he introduced, " this is Guinevere Smith, an old friend of mine. Gwen " he added, turning to her, " this is Merlin Emrys-Pendragon, my husband. "

Gwen inhaled sharply at the words, quickly recovering her wits when she realized that the way she was staring in turn at Merlin, Arthur and Mordred was plain rude.

" My apologies " she uttered, firmly shaking Merlin's extended hand as she did Mordred's. " It's a pleasure to meet you. I just bumped into Arthur " she explained, voice a little too hurried, " we were just remembering old times. "

A blush suddenly spread on her cheeks and down her neck, slightly darkening her warm brown skin :

" Oh my god " she exclaimed, slapping a hand over her mouth as Mordred blinked curiously at her. " And here I was asking...I am so sorry, Merlin, I promise I didn't know..."

She turned to Arthur, looking helpless and for the first time remorseful :

" Arthur, I didn't mean..."

" It's alright, Gwen " the blond replied, waving away her embarrassment along with her apologies. " You couldn't have known, and I appreciate your honesty. But as you can see, I am quite taken. "

He looked at Merlin again, whose blue eyes had turned surprisingly cold - as they always did, Arthur knew, when he was trying to hide his feelings.

" Of course " Gwen replied, still flaming red. " I wouldn't...I truly am sorry " she concluded again, looking away, discomfited.

Arthur hesitated, noticing her discomfort in the way her lower lip was practically bleeding. He turned to Merlin, a heavy weight on his chest that he couldn't quite shake off :

" Can you take Mordred with you for a second ? " he asked, wincing internally as Merlin nodded without meeting his eyes.

His husband turned to their son, plastering a fake smile on his lips that Mordred, if he picked up on it, didn't comment :

" Hey, Mordred, do you want to see Santa ? "

All awkwardness forgotten, literally bouncing, Mordred beamed at his father, too blue eyes shining bright with a mixture of excitement and awe :

" Yes ! Dad, dad, let's go see Santa ! "

He started to run but was stopped as Merlin firmly grabbed his hand, and they both calmly - or as calmly as possible, considering Mordred's overflowing energy - walked away, Merlin waving at Gwen his goodbyes.

When Arthur turned back to her, it was with a sigh clinging to the corners of his mouth :

" I didn't quite know how to tell you " he explained truthfully. " A lot of things have changed along the years. "

" It's fine " she replied quickly, understanding plain on her features. " I really am sorry, I had no idea you were married. And to..."

" To a man, yes " Arthur finished for her, lips curling in a fond smile and all the while totally unapologetic of the fact. " It isn't always easy, but..."

He shrugged his shoulders, trying to express his feelings without having to use words - he had never been good with them. Words were Merlin's domain. Arthur only helped to shape the story.

" But it's worth it " Gwen completed when he trailed off, smiling warmly as her eyes were turning soft. " Isn't it ? "

She let her question hang in the air, but didn't have to wait long as Arthur pursued his lips, trying not to smile too wide and failing spectacularly :

" Yeah " the blond replied, the blue of his eyes turning bright under the sudden emotion strangling him. " Yeah, it is. "

He let the silence spread over them during the space between two heartbeats and finally sighed :

" Look, Gwen " he started, a bit awkwardly, " about what you said earlier..."

" It's fine " Gwen cut him swiftly. " I mean, it's not like I didn't deserve it. And if you are happy - and you are, I can see that you are - I wouldn't change a thing. Not for the world. "

" Thank you, Guinevere " Arthur replied, touched by the sincerity ringing in her words. " It means a lot. "

He shrugged a sheepish shoulder, ruffled up his blond hair, and added :

" But I was going to ask...if your proposition still stands, I would like to become your friend again. We won't ever come back to what we were " he precised, carefully but firmly. " I love Merlin, I built a family with him, and we" he said, gesturing between them, " is a thing of the past. But I did miss you. "

Gwen looked conflicted - and of course she was, Arthur reflected, her earlier request probably still ringing in her ears. He was about to assure her that it was alright, that she didn't have to, when she finally nodded :

" Yeah " she agreed, voice a bit rough. " I think I'd like that, too. "

She nodded to herself, getting rid of her last uncertainty, and added :

" Besides, I would love to get to know your son - and your husband. He must truly be special, you know. For marrying you, raising a child with you..."

Her usual warmth was back in her voice, a bit of mirth thrown in as she tried to lighten the mood with an attempt at humor. Arthur genuinely laughed at her remark though, since he knew she wasn't far from the truth.

Not far at all, actually. Merlin had told him more than once that he was a right handful.

" Here " he said, pulling a business card out of his pocket. " Call me sometimes, yeah ? " he offered, hastily scribbling his personal number on the back before handing it to her. " I'm sure the others would love to see you again, too. "

He knew for a fact the Gwen had moved out of the city sometimes during the twelve years they hadn't seen each other, and thus lost touch with most of their common friends.

She smiled, tucking the card in her wallet before replacing a loose strand of her behind her ear :

" Yeah " she breathed out. " Yeah, alright. I'll call you. "

They parted ways on that promise and a second hug, Gwen laughing with delight at the display, Arthur smiling indulgently in answer. He looked at Gwen's retreating form until the purple dress disappeared behind the chorus of badly disguised elves and giant Christmas tree, then set his focus on the search of two of the people he loved the most in his whole world.

He spotted them on the other side of the building. Merlin was standing in front of Santa, watching carefully Mordred was bouncing on the lap of the red-clad actor, a loud Ho ho ho echoing in their ears. Overcome by a wave of tenderness for the man he had chosen to share his life with, Arthur came up from behind and winded his arms around Merlin's waist, resting his chin on his husband shoulder in a way he rarely authorized himself in public :

" Hey " he murmured, love and affection suffocating in his throat. " Are you alright ? "

Merlin shrugged, chuckling humorlessly :

" I should be asking you that " he replied with crafted carelessness. " Last time you saw her was what, ten years ago ? "

" Twelve " Arthur corrected absent-mindedly, thumb pressing circles on Merlin's hipbone, glad that his husband wasn't moving away. " And I am fine, I think. How could I not be ? "

He knew Merlin could feel his smile in the crook of his neck when he added :

" I have you. "

" Yes " Merlin replied, mellowing, and he relaxed in his husband's arms. " You do. "

Arthur placed a delicate kiss at his nape :

" And you have me " he promised with tender care. " Always. "

Merlin sighed then, the last of his tension bleeding out of him. He raised an eyebrow at Arthur, a hint of a smile playing on his lips, and Arthur briefly pressed a kiss against them before letting Merlin go in favor of twining their fingers together.

" Daddy, Papa, look ! Santa ! "

They both smiled as their son waved at them from Santa's lap, beaming bright.

" Ho ho ho ! "

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas !! I know, I know I'm late, but I was working on the second part of Casino Royale (promise, I'm around halfway through the process, with a little over 17k written) and desperately needed a break.  
> Hope you enjoyed it !


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